When will it all end

Well today was a very interesting day. Lessons were very tiring and life was very busy. Had a lesson at noon and thought I was done until 2:30 and could relax...but had a 3 year old at 1:30 and had to get geared up to do his lesson that I had forgotten about. This not remembering things is killing me. While doing this lesson we were feeding and trying to teach the new horse to load in the trailer but couldn't get him in the trailer. Just had him in the other day but NO NOT TODAY. I think I pulled something trying to get his feet up and in the trailer. He is only about 16.3 hands and weighs close to 1100 lbs with more weight going on him every day so when he decides he isn't going to do something...well he just isn't going to do it. While he eats in the trailer, Dolittle, the horse at the top of the page here, is his companion by the trailer. He was tied to the side of the trailer and I was working with our little boy. Dolittle decides to try to go to the back of the trailer and scares himself some how and rears backwards and breaks his lead rope...this causes Asagai to be scared and come out of the trailer again as well as scare the pony that the little 3 year old is on....Thanks Dolittle!!!!

This makes for a very long day - all this running around after horses and kids. I am exhausted again. This being so tired that I can't move by the time I get home has got to stop. I just don't know what to do with myself. I should not be this weak and lazy. Now others may not see it as lazy but to me it is. When I have to come home and sit down and am not ABLE to get up and do what needs to be done VS not wanting to get up to do what needs done there is a problem. I tell people about it and they say "Go to the doctor". What will a doctor do? Really now lets think this through? I show up at the office and say.....When I get home I am really tired. They say Ok tell me about your day and I will see what I can do to help. I say....well on week days, I leave for school at 6:45 am and teach 7th grade until 3:00 then at 3:00 I start after school until 5:10, then I come home and try to do dishes, laundry, take care of the dogs, teach class on Tuesday until 10, or give riding lessons on Fridays. OH on the weekends it is a bit easier doc....I give lessons at the barn with 7 horses from 12 until about 6 or 6:30 then I go home and do dinner, laundry, grade papers etc....before I start my week over. I don't sleep very well and I wake up at least 4 or 5 times a night. I just don't seem to have the energy to do anything anymore. I think the doctor is going to look at me and say "What do you mean you don't have energy. Looks to me like you have tons of energy and are working very hard. I think you are fine and are worried for nothing." But they won't see that I need to force myself to put one foot in front of the other every day to make myself do less than 1/2 of what I did before the surgery and even though I am feeling so much better not in any pain, the lack of energy makes me feel like I am the laziest person on this earth. I can see it in other peoples' eyes. When I slow down for a minute or don't get things done fast enough for them....like I use to. It is akin to pity and no one lifts a finger to help. Just stare at me and shake their heads as they sit there and watch. What a good feeling to know that everyone just watches you struggle and doesn't really care about it.

I have spent so much money going out to eat to try to alleviate at least that much of my day that my husband is tired of eating out and complaining about me not cooking. When I say I am tired he says sure you are...that surgery was months ago you are fine you just don't want to cook. Of course he does no cooking, laundry, dishes etc and can't keep up with me now let alone before I had the surgery. So he has no idea how tired I am. He sleeps through the night so he has no idea about that either. It just seems like no one is listening. Here no one reads this either but that is ok. At least I have said something and it makes me feel a bit better even if it won't change anything.

Night all......

Teachers

It is harder and harder to be a teacher. I was reading the online newspaper and it was talking about a teacher who had a blog and complained about her high school students being lazy and wanting things done FOR them instead of them working FOR what they get. No school names...No teacher names...NO student names. They traced it back to the teacher and SUSPENDED HER. Just for stating her opinion that probably most teachers think but are afraid to say for just this reason. I know I am afraid to say anything and I am a very brazen person and will say what needs to be said. It is crazy what this world has come to that teachers can't say what needs to be said. All of society's ills are laid at the doors of the teacher, but teachers are not permitted to ask for help from anyone or get support from anyone....they are just to fix it.

I agree a blog is not the place to do it and a frank discussion with an individual parent is, even if you have to repeat yourself over and over, but it just seems like overkill to blame the teacher again. NOW  in all fairness I have heard she has done other things on her blog and this was the final straw so to speak......will have to see how this plays out. I think the bigger ideal is if teachers actually have a voice outside the classroom and are allowed to use it as long as it doesn't mention schools, students, districts etc.  We will have to see. AGAIN, I am sure there are more facts to this case than we are all hearing but will have to see how it plays out.

Work Week

I made it through the first week back. I think it was by the skin of my teeth though.  Sleeping isn't better and I am really tired. I thought my legs were going to give out a few times this week. I am also glad that no one reads this because if anyone knew, I think I would be in trouble.

Did lessons today and it was very tiring too. Had to walk with the little kids who were just starting their lessons. I thought my legs were going to give out again today. I came home and have been in bed ever since. I even slept a bit but that didn't help much. This is getting really depressing. I don't know if I should keep pushing it to make sure that I get my old stamina back or if I am already pushing it even though I am not really doing even 1/2 of what I use to do....what to do....what to do.....what to do?

We ate out all week because I was too tired to do anything but then when it came time to sleep I couldn't. I guess Monday I call the doctor and see what she has to say about all of this. I hate this depressing state.

Last of the "Freedom"

Today is the last day of "freedom" before I go back to work tomorrow. The husband is very fond of running around the house all weekend in a sing-song voice telling me that..."You have to go back to work...You have to go back to work...No more sleeping for you...No more lazzzzzyneeessss...You actually have to work again". I want to slap him. I know he doesn't think I have been just playing and I know he knows this was serious surgery - the Dr said they "took a 12 lb alien out of my body" (her words) - I think he just has missed having me next door for the last month...lol. He loves to come next door to my room and "cause trouble" or ask how to make something technical work etc. It is nice to be missed. I got a lot of that on facebook too. When are you coming back....We miss you....Never knew how much you did until we had to pick up the things you didn't do. You know the typical things. Even have parents emailing asking when I will be back. I wish I would have been permitted back earlier but alas that was not to be.

So how do I feel now that my freedom is at an end? In one word....TIRED. I am tired of sitting at home. Tired of having nothing to do but read, watch TV/movies, and play on the computer. Tired of just going for a drive. Tired of not being able to do things that I should be able to do. Tired of being inactive. Tired of hearing "don't do that you will hurt yourself". Tired of wanting to do some things and not being able. Tired of not sleeping well. Tired of wondering what to do next....you get the idea. Heaven help me when I retire. Will have to find another job...but one that starts at about 11...I did like the sleeping until 10 or so every morning. The dogs liked having me home all day especially Harvey because he didn't have to spend the day in his kennel (he has a tendency to chew things he is not suppose to when he is home without supervision).

Now what do I predict for the future? One word....TIRED. I will be tired from being out of "shape" because I have done nothing for the past 7 weeks. I will be tired from school all day. Tired from after school until 5:10. Tired from coming home and cooking and cleaning (surgery is over the husband doesn't have to do anything anymore - not that he did it when I had the surgery). Tired from not sleeping well at night. Tired from getting up at 6:15 in the morning instead of 10. I guess my life will revolve around the word tired...not the word Freedom like I had hoped.

Freedom is still there though. I will have the freedom to go back to a job I enjoy. Freedom to ride the horses again. Freedom to move and be active again instead of sitting and laying down all the time. Freedom to play and walk with the dogs. Freedom to take a nap when I get tired. Freedom to just get back into the life I lead and enjoy without all the pain and problems that I had before the surgery. So it really isn't my last day of freedom ...just have to work on my stamina for the new freedoms I will get.

Sad Day

There are multiple reasons for such a sad day today. The first was the ritual paying of the bills. Watching all the hard work going right out the window...or bank account in this case. Then I was all excited that I had payed off a few of the bills and had almost 900 left in the checking account - cha ching!!!! WRONG...I went to pay the student loans from my doctorate and found that LAST MONTH was my first payment so there went 680 of the money that I was sooooo excited that I had thought I had saved.

Then came the meds. I got the "patch" for the hormone replacement from the hysterectomy. It is designed to last a week and then you take it off and put on a new one. I put one on for the first time yesterday afternoon. It had not even been 24 hours and the dang thing is falling off. So I don't have enough hormones and that makes me sad with hormonal hot flashes so if I do something stupid that can be my defense in court...lol

Next came the taxes - need I say more. At lest we owe the state less than 200 this year that is a small blessing. I don't understand how this happens every year. We are getting back 1/4 of what we got back last year so that is a sad thing. I was hoping to pay off more bills with it. Also the family is talking about going on a cruise to Alaska for the parents 50th anniversary this summer - was hoping the tax refund would pay for it...guess not!!!!

Finally the saddest thing of all. One of the teacher's mom died that we work with at the middle school. Today was her funeral. I felt so sad for her and her family. The woman was only 61 and just 2 weeks ago was sledding with the grandchildren in the local snow storm. It is amazing how quickly your fortunes can change and how fragile life is. Watching the video and slide show of her life was amazing and I was saddened by her loss even though I had not met her. I was there to support her daughter - my colleague.  It makes me wonder what I will feel like when my parents die.  Will their actions of the past disappear and I just see the good in everything and mourn the loss of a parent or will it still be the same where I am a second class citizen because I am a girl and nothing that I say or do matters to anyone else in that group of people. Where I feel like a servant in my own house.

The minister talked about what you will leave behind when you leave this world and that is what is important...not the material things but the legacy that you leave for others - what you will be remembered for. So what will I be remembered for? Causing trouble for my family because I don't fit into their mold for a daughter or a sister? A teacher who actually helped and taught her students things inside and outside the classroom? A college professor who inspired at least one person to be a science teacher that will excel? A riding instructor that inspired her students to love horses, treat them well, and learn how to communicate with a beautiful animal that will walk through fire for them if needed? OR Will I just be some woman who taught but never reached anyone, anywhere, at anytime? That is the saddest thought of today.......and the one that is most prevalent in my mind today.