Sad Day

There are multiple reasons for such a sad day today. The first was the ritual paying of the bills. Watching all the hard work going right out the window...or bank account in this case. Then I was all excited that I had payed off a few of the bills and had almost 900 left in the checking account - cha ching!!!! WRONG...I went to pay the student loans from my doctorate and found that LAST MONTH was my first payment so there went 680 of the money that I was sooooo excited that I had thought I had saved.

Then came the meds. I got the "patch" for the hormone replacement from the hysterectomy. It is designed to last a week and then you take it off and put on a new one. I put one on for the first time yesterday afternoon. It had not even been 24 hours and the dang thing is falling off. So I don't have enough hormones and that makes me sad with hormonal hot flashes so if I do something stupid that can be my defense in court...lol

Next came the taxes - need I say more. At lest we owe the state less than 200 this year that is a small blessing. I don't understand how this happens every year. We are getting back 1/4 of what we got back last year so that is a sad thing. I was hoping to pay off more bills with it. Also the family is talking about going on a cruise to Alaska for the parents 50th anniversary this summer - was hoping the tax refund would pay for it...guess not!!!!

Finally the saddest thing of all. One of the teacher's mom died that we work with at the middle school. Today was her funeral. I felt so sad for her and her family. The woman was only 61 and just 2 weeks ago was sledding with the grandchildren in the local snow storm. It is amazing how quickly your fortunes can change and how fragile life is. Watching the video and slide show of her life was amazing and I was saddened by her loss even though I had not met her. I was there to support her daughter - my colleague.  It makes me wonder what I will feel like when my parents die.  Will their actions of the past disappear and I just see the good in everything and mourn the loss of a parent or will it still be the same where I am a second class citizen because I am a girl and nothing that I say or do matters to anyone else in that group of people. Where I feel like a servant in my own house.

The minister talked about what you will leave behind when you leave this world and that is what is important...not the material things but the legacy that you leave for others - what you will be remembered for. So what will I be remembered for? Causing trouble for my family because I don't fit into their mold for a daughter or a sister? A teacher who actually helped and taught her students things inside and outside the classroom? A college professor who inspired at least one person to be a science teacher that will excel? A riding instructor that inspired her students to love horses, treat them well, and learn how to communicate with a beautiful animal that will walk through fire for them if needed? OR Will I just be some woman who taught but never reached anyone, anywhere, at anytime? That is the saddest thought of today.......and the one that is most prevalent in my mind today.